Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
