sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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