I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
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The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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