Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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