When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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