And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
