he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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