Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
