I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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