Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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