i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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