No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
