I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
