Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
