Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
