oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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