Tell her she can't have a vagina
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
