i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
