Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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