I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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