Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
