K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
