got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just invented taco cereal.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
