I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
