Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
