glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
