i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
