I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
