WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
