will power is for people who don't want to get laid
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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