I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
