Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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