we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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