Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize