I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
