in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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