we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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