mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
