I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
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Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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