I should be sponsored by Trojan
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
