I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
