just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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