i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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