hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
