I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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