so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
