I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
