just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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