I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
