Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
