On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
