Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
