listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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