At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
